Bones Kitchen

1 June 2019

BONES KITCHEN & BAR

Unit A102, The Palms Design Centre, 145 Sir Lowry Road, Woodstock, Cape Town

It took the wife and I four attempts to get here for dinner. On the previous three stabs at it  an unforeseen occurrence scuppered the night out but this time fate cooperated, except that as luck would have it, the date was set for the night that Tottenham Hotspur played in the Champions League final for the first time since the dawn of time. Never a break.

Some of you might remember Saltwater Grill in Pinelands, which once was the most lauded eatery on this group. Bones has surpassed that pinnacle of glory by receiving by far the most relentlessly positive reviews of any restaurant ever mentioned in the group.  The proprietor of Bones should be eternally thankful for this forum. The praise has been so uniformly unstinting that I did not think, if I ever got there, that I could contribute much of note unless the evening turned out to be an unmitigated disaster. Thankfully, it turned out mostly okay.

I don’t believe the hype; I go with no expectations and I bring you my truth.

We were a party of four. We hadn’t seen our friends since we were together in Berlin in early April and wanted to bring them here because of all the extravagant praise heaped on Bones.

The design style is upmarket steak house, I guess, with bare, dark wood tables, mostly for four persons, some (at the one side next to the windows) for couples, and some high tables in the area in front of the bar.  It’s not helluva elegant but it’s functional.

The thing that nobody mentions is how unpleasantly loud the place is. There are no sound baffles or anything else to absorb the noise and when the room is full, and especially with shrieking diners,  it’s difficult to hear the person next to you, making for the kind of evening where you want to eat and run, to escape the infernal clamour.

The service is efficient and friendly, and the hosts are hands on.

The menu covers all the basic things one would expect at a restaurant, without offering much in the line of intriguing dishes that bring out the inner adventurous diner.  It’s a middle of the road, safe option menu for diners who want to eat out within a certain comfort zone.

The extensive steak menu is presented on a blackboard and I must admit, though keeping  a straight face, that I was a tad taken aback at the prices and presumably it’s one of those deals where you have to order sides otherwise you’d simply get a slab of meat on a board and nothing else, and that makes being a carnivore an expensive life style choice.

The wife ordered the Parmesan Bon Bons, and was so absolutely smitten with them, she ordered another portion and influenced our friends, who’d already eaten their first starters, to order a portion to share. Allegedly, it was one of the best things she’d ever eaten.

Two of us started with the duck livers in a deep, rich sauce that I was very much taken with, and although I had only a bite of the Bon Bons, I was far less impressed with them, and thought the livers were superior.

One friend had the mussels and it was a very good dish too.

Our mains were three pork bellies and one burger. I don’t judge restaurants by their risotto or their chocolate fondant desserts, I judge them by the pork belly.  In this instance I found Bones wanting, in the sense that it was a very ordinary dish, with a good, crisp fondant potato and lovely al dente green beans and flavoursome butternut puree, but the pork, albeit succulent and well cooked, lacked flavour and the sauce wasn’t good enough to elevate the dish. Of the two pieces of crackling, one was perfectly crisp and the other one was tough. An instantly forgettable main course.

In contrast, the wife and the one friend liked their pork bellies very much and the guy claimed that it was the best such dish he’d ever had. Each to his own, I suppose.

The burger was large and good.

The wife had the churros dessert, of four “cigars,” and she said two of them were perfect, with a light crunchy shell and creamy interior, and two were not. The hot chocolate was dark and not too sweet and delicious.

Our friends had the lemon tart with buttermilk ice cream and the rooibos brulée respectively and were well happy with their choices.

The absolute highlight of the meal was my desert of waffle with marshmallow ice cream and a “brick” of home-made marshmallow. The waffle was pure bliss, with a brittle crunch and an enchanting, caramelised flavour, elevated by the smooth, rich, burnt marshmallow ice cream and feather light marshmallow.  This dessert was ridiculously good.

The total bill, including two bottles of wine, two beers, and coffees, came to R2237,00 with tip.

The positives were that the food was good and the service top notch. The major negative is the noise factor. Would we return? I don’t think so. We tested the hype and found a place that’s nice enough for a once-off visit but not compelling.