Bones Kitchen and Bar

17 January 2020

BONES KITCHEN AND BAR

The Palms Design Centre, 145 Sir Lowry Road, Woodstock, Cape Town

This review should almost write itself. Something like, “We went to Bones!”  ‘Nuff said; everyone already knows of  the unstinting praise this restaurant has received as probably the most reviewed and revered eatery on this group ever. Dissenting opinions have been far and few between.

The wife, two friends and I ate there last year and the most significant take away from the experience was the awful din in the crowded, undampened space that made conversing with each other a challenging challenge, that the Parmesan bon bons were so good the wife ordered two portions, that my pork belly was sadly pedestrian (whereas one friend thought it was the best he’d ever had) and that my waffle dessert was the hit of the night for me.

The wife and I thought we’d try again, invited the younger goddaughter and her significant other along and ventured out to Woodstock in a howling gale.

The immediate positive of the evening was that the place was emptier than at our last visit (and our table was in a different part of the room to where we sat last time around) and there was no deafening crowd noise. We could chat without shouting at each other.   I must say that I was surprised that Bones was so subdued on a Friday night; the general opinion was that it must be due to the budgetary constraints households have at this time of January.

Interestingly, the four of us had diverse opinions on our respective meals and at the après dinner post-mortem the wife and I shared, again, our bafflement at the extraordinary praise that's been heaped on Bones, which is, when all is said and done, very nice but not exactly head and shoulders above any other good restaurant in this town.

The wife again had the Parmesan bon bons, as did the goddaughter. The latter raved about hers and the wife wasn't as wowed as she'd been the first time. Perhaps, it's a taste that's a delightful shock to the palate only once.     

The significant had the gnocchi starter and was very impressed with the combination of crisp and light as air, as well as the taste. He regretted not also ordering the dish as a main course. I think these were his first gnocchi.

My choice was the chicken brodo with mushroom tortellini. The latter were superb with the slightly dry, crumbly texture and sublime earthiness of the mushrooms and well cooked, thin pasta. The chicken broth must be an acquired taste, as it was not very pleasant, with a sour, vinegary sharpness and not much depth of flavour. I can’t see myself acquiring this taste.

Ordinarily, one would expect a diversity of main courses amongst four diners but not tonight. In an amazing stroke of coincidence the  wife and I ordered the pork chop and the other two ordered the mushroom risotto. My side was the 4 cheese spinach, the wife ordered the twice fried chips and the truffle mac & cheese, and the other two shared another mac & cheese.

The goddaughter loved her risotto while her boyfriend thought that it was okay and said that he preferred the mushroom risotto the goddaughter makes. Maximum couples points there!

I had a forkful of the risotto and thought it was delicious, with deep flavour, a little crunch and with perfectly cooked rice.

The twice cooked fries were superb and the 4 cheese spinach quite sinfully delicious. Everybody else thought the mac & cheese was under seasoned but it was well-seasoned for my palate.

There was a serious division of opinion on the pork chop, cooked sous vide for three hours and then pan fried.  The two women didn't care for the extremely tender texture of the meat under the caramelised crust; the two men thought it was brilliant.

This thick, supremely succulent and flavourful pork was the best such dish I've eaten since a pork chop dish I had at the Spur in the Soneike Centre in Kuils River, probably about 10 years ago. The lusciously tender texture of the meat was sublime. A blunt knife would have slid through it and it positively melted in the mouth. Great caramelisation, excellent jus and lovely, sharp apricot to cut through the meatiness of the pork. The baton of celeriac gratin was also wonderful. The plain, wilted spinach underneath the meat was a tad underwhelming, especially in competition with the 4 cheese spinach side dish, and something acidic like Sauerkraut would have been a better choice.

I ate my way through the super delicious pork with the same euphoria and the same slow, deliberate pace as I did with the yellowtail at Myoga last week. Perhaps it's because I was born in the Chinese Year of the Pig that I have such a huge affinity for pork, but dammit, if it's cooked this well, you can keep your beef, mutton, venison and your vegan "meat". There's no competition.

The wife ordered the waffle and burnt marshmallow ice cream dessert I ate last time and enjoyed it but did not care much for the accompanying that tasted of peanut butter (a flavour she detests) and she fed me the last quarter of it.

The younger two had the rooibos crème brulée and weren't impressed by the overly thick brulée and the hard, bitter orange peel in the dish. I had a spoonful and thought of it as okay; it's not the type of dessert I like much but it had crunch, creaminess  and sweetness.

My choice was the Gorgonzola soufflé, which was served, not in a ramekin as I'd expected, but tipped out on a plate in a lake of chive cream. I don't eat souffles much and have no real yardstick of quality except for the exceptional cherry souffle the wife and I ate at the Ritz Hotel in London last April, which was the most extraordinary giant, super light, airy, fluffy thing. I doubt we'll ever be blessed with that kind of delight again. The Bones soufflé was considerably smaller and denser though still light and creamy (although with the dreaded scrambled egg texture), and very cheesy. However, this the one dish of the evening I would classify as "decidedly average" and not really worthwhile ordering if you're looking for some pizzazz to end off your meal.  

The total bill with tip came to R1500 (we used the Entertainer app and got two main courses for free) and included 4 starters, 4 mains, 4 desserts, a bottle of sparkling water, 3 alcoholic and one non-alcoholic cocktails.

Last time we decided we wouldn't ever return to Bones because of the intrusive noise. After this meal, we needn’t return, not because we had a negative experience, far from it, but because there's no imperative to do so. We've pretty much eaten what we would eat here and it was nice enough but not extraordinary. Bones delivers what it promises on the box, and that’s it.